A dragonfly symbolizes change and transformation. It also symbolizes power, agility, poise and the ability to look beyond the surface. Dragonflies live fast and furiously in the moment, therefore they do it all.

When I first began to blog, my motives were much different than they are today. Today I am just looking to connect. I have found through this blog, that there are so many supportive, encouraging, wonderful people out there that are working towards their dreams and accomplishing goals one at a time. It feels like were trudging through together, making the tough times a bit easier for each other, and it’s nice to have people that are cheering for you and along for the ride in a cyberspace sort of way. It’s also comforting to know that I’m not alone. It has surpassed anything that I could have imagined. Honestly.

At first, I didn’t know what to expect, but what I found was some really great friendships and I know I will meet some of you someday. (We should all plan a get together somewhere for a weekend, and then we can call it a reunion when we do it every year. Food for thought).Yes, I am a dreamer and slightly delusional.

I have many great friends that I see and socialize with on a regular basis, but there’s something about getting to know people around the world and finding out that human emotion is the same everywhere. It’s nice to experience a global common bond between people. For whatever reason that’s kind of intriguing to me. Anyway, I’ll get on with my post and stop with the sappy shit.

Many of you may or may not know that I am a recovering drug addict of over ten years. This may help you to understand some of my fears and my irrational feelings of being ‘less than’ sometimes, although I’m sure that many people go through that from time to time, even if they have never been addicted to drugs.

So for those of you who have read prior posts of me struggling through school (and life), this may offer some insight as to why. I paid no attention in school when I was younger and I was always in trouble. I had gone to rehab twice during my high school days, and the school in rehab is equivalent to daycare. Upon my release from rehab, I was expelled from my “regular” high school and was sent to an academy that I was soon kicked out of. A high school and two academies later, I finally found one that I could stick with. Don’t get me wrong, I was determined to graduate and receive a high school diploma, after all I was pregnant, and how would I find a good job without a high school diploma?

Needless to say, I didn’t learn much from books throughout my school career. I have no idea how I graduated, but I went straight from that into single motherhood. Talk about hindsight… It’s somewhat comical when I look back on those years and see how absolutely dumb I was, but thought at the time that I had it all figured out.

For the last ten years, I have worked tremendously hard on changing. I was involved in a twelve step program and it was a wonderful beginning for me. It taught me many things that I missed out on growing up; coping with my own feelings, kindness, understanding, compassion, empathy, self-acceptance and many other useful principles. I also learned that it takes a long, long time to clean up the past in order to change the future, and that some of the damage cannot be undone. That is what I struggle with more than anything. My children are affected by the bad choices I’ve made in the past and suffer the consequences of my behavior.

As a result, I work double time trying to be a good example and spend quality time with them, which does take time, energy and patience; especially because they are 19 and 14 and have their own personalities, interests and lives now.

I also understand that it couldn’t be any different. I did the best that I could with what I knew. I don’t waste time wishing I would have done things differently because I couldn’t have. I just know that I do things differently now.

I have also been allowed to live the sad, dirty, dingy, chaotic side of life and come out of it alive. I was then able to experience the resiliency of the human body and mind. I have seen homeless junkies who couldn’t string a sentence together, turn their lives around and become social, happy and employable. If they can do it, anyone can.

I have learned to love the process. I know that when I am going through a rough patch, that it will eventually pass and as much as I want to know what lesson there is to be learned from a heartbreaking experience, I know that I won’t know until it’s long behind me. I have learned to accept this, but not always with grace. I wouldn’t change one experience that I’ve had even if I could, because it made me who I am today, and it makes me want to be more than I am now.

Until later,
~Live Happy

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39 thoughts on “

  1. “We should all plan a get together somewhere for a weekend, and then we can call it a reunion when we do it every year.”

    Yes please!

    And as a recovering drug-addict myself – I can relate to EVERY SINGLE WORD in this post.

    I love you G, my long lost twin sister. And, I am SO very proud of you.

  2. Beautifully written! So much of you to respect in this post. Thank you for sharing.
    You've done great for your kids and for yourself. Courage… you have it.

  3. Mel~ I love you too Mel. You know I do. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Now let's start planning and talking with “the others” about it. A cabin in the woods on the lake for a few days. We'll have to bring a video camera to document it all.

    PAMO~ Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I'm really glad you're here.

  4. I could have written this, too. I've spent more than 25 years trying to undo the damage of my younger years — years spent doing everything but learning and growing as a human being.

    I can be done. I know it can. But damn, it's hard sometimes when you realize everyone else has such a big headstart on you.

    Gina, you are an inspiration to me and, I'm sure, other recovering people out there as well. Once we clean up, it's kind of amazing how good and decent we can be! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    I vote for a cabin in the woods, too.

  5. Becca~ Thanks becca;) ((hugs to you))

    Terry~ I know you could have written it. What I love (and hate) about it all is that we have been able to live at both ends of the spectrum. But I feel like a split personality a lot of times. Some days I can be all spiritual and goose bumpy and some days I could give a fuck about anyone or anything and I let it be known.

    Cabin in the woods it is! Oh, I'm so excited!

  6. You should be proud of your accomplishments, Gina. And I agree totally about not wishing you had done things differently in the past, the past is what made you what you are today. For every mistake you make you learn something and that's how we all grow and shape our lives. This was a great post!

  7. You and I are from different worlds, and opposite sides of the social spectrum, but I have connected with you from the very first post of yours I read almost a year ago now.

    It's because you are a writer! ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Marty~ Thanks for the support. I don't know that I have necessarily accomplished anything yet, but I'm on my way.

    DL~ We are definitely from opposite sides of the track, but where I've come from and who I am today are on opposite sides also.

    Mel~ You're the best lady.

  9. This is a great and touching post. I love your postitivity and what you say is right – you can't change the past, but only change what we do now.

    Nobody has to be perfect and no one can be – the most important thing we can all do to make the world a better place is to love one another. It's the hardest thing to do, especially when someone has kicked you in the teeth, but that's the challenge, but love always leaves the biggest impression

    DUO

  10. Amber~ Thanks you so much for that and thanks for coming by.

    DUO~ Thank you. I have to admit it takes me some time to come around to the positive side of things, but I try and keep my mouth shut until then. Doesn't always work though. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Thank you for coming by, commenting and following.

  11. Hope things are better for you. It's tough to learn the hard way about those rough patches – getting through them makes you stronger.

    Got your site from A-Z challenge.

  12. What a beautiful picture, the dragonfly, to symbolize the changes you've made/are making in your life. Cheers to you! Don't give up. The road may be long and hard sometimes, but when you've endured and overcome, nothing makes you feel better!!

    Happy to meet you today through the A to Z.
    Ann Best, Long Journey Home

  13. Thank you for sharing your story. You are so strong. I can really relate to “It's somewhat comical when I look back on those years and see how absolutely dumb I was, but thought at the time that I had it all figured out.” Sometimes I really wish I could go back and slap my teenage self!

  14. Gina, you are a brave and eloquent writer. It takes guts to open yourself up like that, but it really gives one insight into the whole you. You seem to live fast and furiously, with as much enthusiasm as possible…I LOVE that. GORGEOUS blog, btw…I'm now a follower.

  15. I really do believe my husband when he says recovering alcoholics and drug addicts are going to take over the world. He had 20 years 2/1/11.
    I love your honesty and wonder will I see you at bike week next year?

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