Settle down ladies…not that other side.
I have to thank DL and Talli one more time for that wonderful blogfest. It got me back into what I love so much. I was able to meet new and interesting people and it forced me to browse around and comment. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That’s just what I needed.
I did notice something while meandering around other writers blogs though. There are a lot of fantasy and YA writers out there. I was reading one particular blog when it occurred to me that my mind may be somewhat warped, and I even commented about my mini epiphany. I have a lot of epiphanies don’t I?
Sangu @ Echoes of a Wayward Mind, was talking about a dream that she had one night. It was this wonderful fantasy dream, and then she asked what our dreams were like. As I thought about it, I realized that while reading about her dream, I had a smile on my face and I was so relaxed being sucked into her little fantasy world. Then I had to think about the way I dream.
I was immediately horrified by the revelation. I commented that my dreams are always very dark and scary, but at the same time they are absolutely amazing, and they come in great detail and vibrant color. I personally love my dreams but that’s because I have a little March hare in me. There are always animals, buildings or houses with multiple levels, numbers and water in every dream I have. I am always panicked or scared, and of course running from something, running to something, or looking for something (sometimes my children) in a mad frenzy.
For instance, last night I dreamt that I found a house for rent that wasn’t necessarily what I wanted but it would have to do. It had multiple floors, the bottom being all tattered and damaged with the tile floors being broken and sunk in to the ground, red carpeting in some rooms and water dripping from some unknown place, some of it collecting in certain areas on the floor in puddles. As I went up, the levels got nicer and the colors changed with numbers in odd places. By the time I reached the top floor, I see a huge loft space and it’s amazing. I won’t go into the details because it’s not the point of this post, but I was also looking for someone. I don’t know who, but it was someone. I knew I felt like I didn’t want to live in this house because the bottom floor was so trashed, but then I thought to myself, well, I’ll just stay on the other levels and fix the broken stuff. This is the most mellow dream I have but I have it often and in different scenarios. Anyway…
My dreams have maintained their content and feeling since I was a little girl. Except I wasn’t looking for my children then because I didn’t have any as a tot obviously, but they have always been dark, scary and very thought provoking. That’s the bottom line.
My mind has a mind of it’s own. It goes off on these twisted tangents to create story lines and characters that are absolutely appalling at times. I also write that way by nature if I don’t pay attention, but I really try to force myself to write in a more positive and happy content. I just don’t want to promote violence and distortion of the mind. Maybe that’s why I’m struggling so much with my writing. I don’t want to be dark and scary and twisted, because I can be twisted. It comes so easily. To try and curtail that, I have immersed myself in chick lit and I love it, I really do, but I am enthralled by horror, true crime, serial killers, just absolutely morbid shit. And I can’t get into a fantasy book to save my life. I’ve tried.
What scares me the most about all of this is that if I let go and stop controlling my writing so much I may go there and I won’t come back the same person; like I’ll go insane or something. Like for real insane though.
Most of the people I follow, that follow me and that I’m connected to, write happy, romantic, fantasy, or funny, stuff. I’m afraid that if I write what comes naturally, that I won’t be able to live in a positive, spiritual manner. Those two things just don’t go together.
I know that I just need to write what comes naturally and let the story write itself, but it’s scary when you’re mind won’t cooperate with your need for peace, flowers and fairies.
Is there anyone out there who can relate to this?
Ok, I’m done freaking out now. Thanks for listening to me ramble…