You deserve an explanation, really, you do

I understand that many of you may have given up on me and I completely understand. I hope you can forgive my absence and come back as I had to undergo a major surgery. A delicate procedure in which my head had to be removed from my ass.

It requires total seclusion and darkness as the light can be blinding at first. πŸ˜‰

I came to yet another realization that I wasn’t getting out nearly enough and I found myself wondering why opportunities weren’t being presented to me. I was putting in so much effort and trying so hard, but I was doing it all from behind the keyboard in cyberspace.

There is something to be said for actual face to face communication with humans and getting out in the world. I had to put down the laptop and the cell phone and start mingling with the people again.The only company I had for a long time was myself and after a while my thoughts can get quite bleak and the inspiration and passion runs dry when I have nothing to feed off of.

I love getting out and watching people and talking with people. Any people, especially the homeless. They are so interesting and it’s amazing to hear about the life they used to have and it’s so hard to imagine that they themselves at one time had a Harley and a home and a family and a job, but shit happens and now all they care about is getting thirty-seven cents and a smoke. Something shifted that made them feel hopeless and the downhill trek started with their thoughts.Β 

I stopped seeing opportunities because my expectations got out of control. For instance, I would see a dime on the ground and I wouldn’t pick it up because it wasn’t enough. I needed more than a dime to help me out. And I figured someone else could use it more than me. With that kind of attitude, that’s exactly what happened. Someone else would eventually pass by, pick it up and now they have the luck and the gratitude. And the dime. And really, I did need it, that’s why it was there.

I started to form these visions in my head of what I wanted and made lists of things that I’d like in my future. I was so intent on those things and my expectations grew bigger than my house, so much so that I lost sight of the fact that I love not knowing. I love just enjoying each day and whatever it has to bring. I like surprises. I enjoy things much more when I have no idea formed because I like the unexpected. I am spontaneous by nature.

I stopped seeing the little things because I became obsessed with the big things and forgot that the little things lead to the big things. I became drained and empty and it felt as if my life was spinning out of control, and it was. I couldn’t see what was happening because I was too focused. I know that might sound strange to some of you but I ended up with tunnel vision as a result. I was like those horses you see on the road with the blinders on. They can only see what’s in front of them. Their peripheral vision is taken from them. They can see nothing except what lies straight ahead. Well, that’s not good for me. I miss too much. That’s where all the action is, on the sidelines in our peripheral vision.

This is what I have come to. I have taken the scary step of enrolling full time in school to get my degree. It haunts me regularly not to have a degree. I have no idea how I am going to afford it but I’ll never find out until I try. I know that when we open ourselves up to possibilities, the possibilities come. Maybe not the way we want them to, maybe it will just be a dime on the street, but I can tell you from now on, I’m picking it up.

I’ve also realized that I used to rely on this cliche, Just Show Up. Just show up and opportunities may present themselves. Well, it’s not just showing up. We have to show up with willingness, open mindedness and a good attitude. If we just show up and were not open to all possibilities, chances are we will miss something great. If we show up with an idea of what we want to get out of something, we may miss a different opportunity that we weren’t even expecting.

I love the little things, I love saying yes to things that weren’t expected, I like taking risks and trying something new. I’ve lost sight of all of this and become rigid and un~fun. I’m ready to enjoy the simple stuff again.

This does not mean that I’m quitting writing. I love writing and I will continue to do so. I love the relationships that have come into my life as a result of this blog. But there may be a possibility that I will have to financially care for my kids well into their adult lives. Well, one of my kids anyway. And college for them is going to be quite expensive so I need a financial back up.

I never got a degree because I’ve never had the money or the time. I was always too busy just working any job that would pay the bills and taking care of my kids. Now I have the time, not the money but the time. I could use the excuse forever that I don’t have the money, but with that attitude I will prove myself right and I’ll never have the money.Besides, I’m really excited about going back to school and getting and actual degree in a specialized study. I feel like a little kid.

So here goes, I’ll jump off the cliff and build my wings on the way down.

~Live Happy

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23 thoughts on “You deserve an explanation, really, you do

  1. I never gave up on you. Not once. I say if that's what you want to do, then do it! But I really hope you continue to write. This blog is a prime example of how talented a writer you are.

    Oh, and don't forget that writer's conference next month. πŸ˜‰

  2. I agree with Terry, keep writing! I found more time to write when I was in school full time and working full time, go figure. It's a great outlet even if you don't share with others. What are you getting your degree in?

  3. Oh Gina! This post brought TEARS to my eyes. I am SO happy for you. I think going back to school and getting your degree is an incredibly brilliant move.

    I fully understand the tunnel vision, the outrageous expectations, and subsequent depression that follows. I know that cycle all too well.

    Getting out in the world and mingling with the people is essential as well, because just being alone with your thoughts can literally drive a person bat.shit.crazy.

  4. Wow Gina this blog entry rang true with me on so many levels.

    The first really was how no matter how hard we try and train our art etc we have to create some opportunities as not all of them will just fall into our lap.

    Secondly I have a younglin who needs alot of time, attention and clearly money to entertain him, teach him and generally have a life. It is so hard especially when my partner, Doo, feels the strain by working 85 hours a week to provide for us.

    I dont think I am ready to just give up just yet and go to a dead end job where I will lose my inspiration and passion and sink back into depression.

    I wish you all the best Gina and keep us updated. Although it's hard you can blog, work and study and be a mother. Trust me that's what I am doing.

    Take care
    Kate Collings
    xx

    http://www.katecollings.blogspot.com

  5. Piedmont~ Thank you and I think we all have to go through this surgery at least once in our lives if not more. πŸ˜‰

    Terry~ You're the best. I don't plan on giving up writing, but I think I'm just going to stick to my book and blogging.
    As far as the writers conference, I really want to go but I don't think I'll have the money. Text books are insanely expensive! Not to mention the price of education going up to ridiculous amounts. Jeez.

    Reforming Geek~ Yes, getting out is definitely what I need. I've spent enough time inside to satisfy me for quite some time.

    Pal~ I believe that. When I do more, I have more energy to do more. Funny how that works out. It stimulates my brain as well.

    I'm going for my Applied Science degree but I'm specializing in Paralegal Studies.

    Dawn~ Thank you and I'm sure I'll be back there eventually but for now, I need to get out and breathe.

    Mel~ Oh, I missed you so. I'm so happy to be back. I hope my spirits stay up and I swear it stays in the corner of brain to get to Jersey and hang. But now it probably won't be until Spring. I can't stand the cold weather and the only places I want to go when it's winter is South.
    *Talk* to you soon.

    Kate~ Hey there new girl! Thanks for coming by.
    That sucks that your partner has to work 85 hours a week. That sounds dreadful.

    I know what you mean about the dead end jobs, I've had so many throughout my life and I'm done with that. I'm done with jobs I don't like, it soul sucking.

    I love the thought right now of going to school full time, working, writing, being a mom and a wife. I've had so much time to myself that I'm ready to be crazy busy again. But I have to remember, balance.

    I'll keep everyone posted of course and I'll do my best to keep it interesting.

  6. I'm so happy that your surgery went well and your head has cleared. (you are such a wit!)

    I, too, am a fan of the little things. I sweat the small stuff, celebrate tiny milestones, etc. It's my belief that any day your ticket could be punched and nothing is a given, so enjoy, enjoy. But my husband thinks I'll conjure up any ol' reason to eat cake. Killjoy.

    Congrats on your decision and let's hear it for non-traditional students:
    Hooray…cake all around! πŸ˜€

  7. JJ~ And that's the truth…

    Marty~ Wild horses couldn't drag me away

    Mel~ Thank you πŸ˜‰

    Drama Mama~ Yeah, that surgeon probably does more surgeries than any other;) Thanks.

    Ratfacegirl~ Yay! Cake! I love cake! Thanks for coming by RFG.

  8. Letting go of that neediness is something that will change your life in so many ways. You are exactly where you are supposed to be in your life. This change, like everything else before it, is a stepping stone to fulfilling your purpose.

    I think we (your friends)understand that and have your back! We also know that you have ours!

    Hugs,

    Kellie

  9. Wow, reading this was like having someone else in my head, writing down my thoughts lately. Except my surgery was far less painful, it seems. It's a procedure that needs repeating time and again, so my removal is much more like a difficult bowel movement these days.

    TMI? Pft, whatever.

  10. I'm here, I'm here! I swear I will update everyone by Saturday. It won't be very exciting but I'll fill you in.

    I have found that Academic Writing is much different than article writing or even writing a book.

    Thank you, love you guys. Hope all is well.

    Gina

  11. Thinking of you … I just realized that I haven't been by in quite a while, and now I see that you've been starting a few new chapters in life. Hope you are well and the focus on YOU is paying off! take care of youself!

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