Letting go and being grateful

I know it’s been a while. Last week I took the time to distance myself from writing. Lately I have been questioning what I am meant to do. I won’t bore you with the story of my life, but I used to believe that I could achieve my dreams if I tried hard enough. Two years ago I decided to commit myself fully to my dreams. I grew tired of working job after job that stole my soul. I have many certifications and licenses but no ‘real’ degree. I hated school while growing up and I couldn’t fathom the idea of another four years of the same thing. Especially repeating alot of the classes that I had taken for twelve years of my life. It seemed pointless, senseless and a huge waste of time and money to take math, english, science and any of the gen ed. classes. It also seemed pointless to go to classes that didn’t pertain to the field. I still feel this way. I was a young single mother and didn’t have all that extra time and money to obtain a degree.

Now that my children are pretty much self-sufficient and have their own lives I decided to take the time to chase my dream. I was done having a job just to pay the bills and survive. To me that is not living. It has been two years since I made that decision active. I was the frog that actually jumped off of the log. The first year was alot of research and learning. This last year has been spent putting myself out there, making myself available and writing everyday. I have struggled but taken all the action that I possibly can and it is proving to be unfruitful. I am out of time, money and self-esteem.

Last week I took a break from writing as I said earlier. I still read because I love reading but I took care of the spring cleaning and built some flower boxes and bought some new lovely tropical plants for the yard. Money I truly didn’t have to spend mind you but it was worth it. I heaved piles of dirt and river rock all day Saturday and it was wonderful. I have been running everyday on the treadmill and reading while doing so. It’s amazing how that passes the time. I have prayed and meditated endlessly all week hoping something would come to me, some answers about what I am supposed to be doing. I journal every morning and walk my dog everyday. I get my children where they need to go and encourage them to follow their dreams.

As I did the things I needed to do last week I thought that I might be inspired or something might come to me through the back door. It didn’t. Before I decided to take this break I was seriously questioning what I am doing. I have come to the realization that I  have a great life. I have two beautiful healthy children, I am about to marry the best man I have ever known in my life and I have a beautiful home and a motorcycle I have always wanted. I don’t have many close friends by choice because I attract people that aren’t capable of being honest and loyal, two qualities that I have and am very adamant about. I am also a firm believer in practicing what I preach. I don’t ever suggest to anyone anything I haven’t done or am not doing myself. I don’t share about anything I have no experience with. So as I was encouraging my kids to follow their dreams and telling them they can do anything or be anything they want, I had to put that into action in my own life.

This has proven to be fruitless thus far. I also believe that if I am on the path to what I was meant to do that things will fall into place and opportunities will start to come. This has not happened and I think that two years is a long time to put effort into something with no return. Yes, I love writing, but simply loving writing doesn’t pay the bills. All the years that I worked a ‘real’ job I did attempt to write on the side but it didn’t allow much time for all of the other joys in my life so I put the writing away until two years ago. Working a forty hour a week job and then writing during my free time wasn’t an option for me. Some people would then say, “Then I guess writing isn’t that important to you.” Well, then I guess not.

I was a hopeless junkie ten years ago when I decided I wanted to change my life. I got clean and got to work on myself. As I have progressed and matured I started to believe that I deserved to achieve my dreams. I began to dream and have long term goals. I started to believe it was possible to change the course of my life. I am easy to encourage because I am quite gullible.  I am also very proactive in my life’s mission to become more of what I am.

After the way I have lived my life in the past, I have more than I deserve right now. I guess it’s somewhat arrogant to think that I could actually love what I do and make a decent living at it. If I got what I deserved, I’d probably be dead. So I am working on accepting what I have and just being grateful for that. Things have not fallen into place and no opportunities have arose, so I am afraid that I will have to go back to a ‘real’ job and let go of my dreams.

When my kids point out the eight gray hairs that I have acquired recently, I tell them that I love my gray hair. They look at me as if I am an alien from another planet. I leave it at that with them but I know the truth and the truth is that I never thought I would make it to an age where I could actually have gray hair. Well, I have made it and that will have to be enough. I have a nice life. So what if I have to work for someone else helping them to achieve their dreams and goals. At least I am giving something back. 

I love the connections I have found here via the internet and I love doing this blog thing. Unfortunately I have not found the direction that I need to keep me going and moving forward in this endeavor.

I still plan on maintaining my blog here, I love you guys too much to leave and we’ll see what happens. Hopefully I don’t lose too many of you.

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15 thoughts on “Letting go and being grateful

  1. Acceptance is a wonderful thing, Gina, as you know. But be very careful about what it is that you are accepting.

    Since you seem to be yearning for an answer — and me being the kind of guy I am — I'll offer up a sincere suggestion. And know that also prayed and meditated about this, so what I'm about to say I don't say lightly.

    Don't give up yet. Please. That's so easy to do for people like us. You read my blog, so you know I struggle with the EXACT same things you do. You have the talent, Gina. It's raw, but so what? You have a powerful story to tell and you NEED to tell it. Ask for help if you need to. I do (as you know).

    But don't give up. Let me make you a deal. Keep writing and struggling until the end of the year. Give it EVERYTHING you can. I mean everything. Hold nothing back. This is your life we're talking about here.

    Let's see where we both are at the end of the year. Ask for help if you need it. It's really only a matter of having the motivation and the will to see it through. If at the end of the year, you still feel the same way, THEN you can give it up.

    It's our dream, Gina. And it's a terrible thing when dreams die. You're not there yet. This is just one of those rough patches that we all hit. You are not a good judge of your work, just like I'm not a good judge of mine.

    But I've read your raw stuff and I KNOW there's one hell of a story there that needs to be told.

    So, tell it.

    Deal?

  2. Oh, and one more thing. (I know, you didn't ask, but so what? I'm back anyway!)

    I am seriously considering going to the Writer's Digest writing conference in Cincinnati in September. I talked to the wife and she's interested in going along. Maybe the youngest kid, too. Why don't you and the hubby come? Bring a kid or two. It's a weekend of intense writing instructions, meetings with editors, agents, etc. They will critique our manuscripts and help get things organized. They also help with editing and query writing. It sounds VERY helpful. And it would be fun as hell, too.

    Give it some thought. I know it involves money (I think the conference is about $300-400 plus travel and lodging), but it's only a weekend and it could prove to be just what we need.

    Think it over.

  3. Gina, this makes me very sad indeed. I have often thought you and I share similar demons. It is because of this, I say, do not give up. Ever.

    They will only come back to haunt you in your dreams.

    You say, you encourage your children to follow their dreams. Who encourages Gina? Well, Terry (above) and I will be, for one.

    You have already proven you can write well. That is why I (among many others) return to read your blog.

    PS. You are not alone. Writers are
    notoriously insecure. You will get there. In your own time. As I hope to do too. xx

    PPS. I'll be back 🙂

  4. Gina, if you have to take on a day or night job, you don't have to give up your dreams. I've worked nights since 1986 so I could write, create projects and follow my dreams. Some of them have come true and some have turned around and smacked me in the face. I just keep going. I really have learned through the years not to listen to anyone but myself. It takes a certain amount of craziness to think that people actually want to read words that form in your head and then you commit them to a book, website, bathroom wall, whatever. You have that craziness in you, use it to your advantage.

  5. “I have many certifications and licenses but no 'real' degree”

    OMG. Me too.
    [what….. a surprise!]

    I have a manicuring license, a bartending license, and an insurance license. And NONE of them are doing me any good – as of late.

    *running back to read the rest of this post, just HAD TO comment on THAT immediately*

  6. Okay. Um….

    “I guess it's somewhat arrogant to think that I could actually love what I do and make a decent living at it.”

    WRONG.

    So. Very. Wrong.

    I know EXACTLY how you feel.

    As a recovering “crack head”, I have MORE than I “deserve” too. I should have been dead at the age of 27. But IM NOT.

    And EVERYTHING happens FOR A REASON.

    * email me, or call me, or even text me. ASAP.

    *goes back to read the rest of this blog post, while gritting her teeth*

  7. Yeah, sorry, but you are NOT “allowed” to give up, or GIVE IN to that negative voice.

    That's THE SAME negative thinking that caused all of our problems when we were younger.

    DONT YOU DARE START LISTENING TO THAT CRAP AGAIN.

    Seriously. Call me. Email me. Whatever you are most comfortable with. I AM HERE FOR YOU.

    And, now that I am done shouting, please accept this virtual hug.

    xoxoxoxoxo

  8. G ~ Dreams are funny things. They are fickle, and keep to their own timetable. Don't give up on yours just because you don't mesh yet. Do what you have to do to achieve the level of comfort you search for, but always keep that dream in the back of your mind. I'll be here whichever direction you head in. 🙂

  9. Oh, honey, I've been there.

    You'll find your way and your dreams. We go through every thing for a reason. Just know you have people who care and will listen.

    I offer my ear. Email me if you need a sounding board. I can offer advice for things I know and a virtual hug for the things I don't understand.

  10. It may not feel like it right now, but you are still on the path to your dreams. Here's the funny thing I've learned about trying to find out what you are meant to do: it may not be what you think. Something is happening right now that is sending you in the right direction even though it feels wrong…because it is what is meant to be, not what YOU want. You may end up somewhere completely different from where you thought you should be that's because sometimes we don't know exactly what we're supposed to do. But the universe does and it may be something you haven't even considered but it will align with your passion and your strength and it will feel right. The first step is letting go of all your preconceived ideas. That is when it happens. You ARE on the right path. Letting go is part of the journey. Close your eyes, breathe, and know it will happen. It will.

    Just say “thank you” and be grateful. A wealth of opportunities come from gratitude and service. You will see.

  11. And I just read Meleah's comments. She is DAMN right. STOP the self-defeating, negative thinking. It is just a thought. Thoughts are often WRONG. It is not part of what you are meant to be. You CAN make a living doing what you love. People who are less intelligent than you are doing it. If they can, YOU CAN! YOU CAN DO IT! Tell yourself: I CAN DO IT!

  12. Terry ~ Thank you and it's a deal. 'Til the end of the year it is.
    Thank you for the push. Thank you for the challenge. Thank you for the encouragement and support. And thank you for reminding me to ask for help. I forget about the simple things sometimes.
    Terry ~ I'm checking in to it as soon as I'm done replying to all of the fabulousness here. Oh. And as soon as I send you that e-mail. It sounds like a great experience and alot of fun.

    Wendy ~ Thank you, thank you, thank you. My head is always telling me I'm alone. Knowing that others go through this too is a relief and it helps to continue the journey.

    Marty ~ I DO have that craziness in me and thank you for saying so. A bathroom wall may not be a bad idea. Thanks for being here.

    Mel ~ Oh Mel, oh Mel, oh Mel…
    27 seems to be the age. I need a good wake up call with all those caps every now and then. It shuts the voices up. Thank you. You are so absolutely right about everything you have said and I appreciate all of your honesty. I will call or text soon. Thank you for that too. Same goes for you. I'm hugging you back.

    DL ~ You are always so kind and gentle. Thank you.

    Pal ~ I WILL find my way and thank you so much for the reminder and the offer of an ear. It's so great to know I'm not alone. It doesn't make me happy to know that anyone has been where I am but I am “grateful” that you have been and share about it.

    RC ~ You are so right about everything. It's funny to hear (see)the same words I have given to numerous others be given back to me. It's so strange how the negative can envelop everything good we have ever known and twist it into some dark, black, hopeless hole. But then you guys show up and turn the light switch back on for me. Thank you for your words of wisdom and I'm sure experience.

    To Everyone who put up with reading that pathetic post of self-pity: Thank you for being so kind, gentle,honest and loving. You have no idea how much I needed your words of support and encouragement. I did not expect any of what was said here. I expected for everyone to say, Do what you have to do and then stop following me. And I just wanted to get it over with. I had those thoughts often and for a minute I thought what I was writing there was the truth because those thoughts kept coming back. I started to believe that it might be my intuition and I clearly got confused. Bad things happen when you sit alone with your own thoughts for too long. You guys have snapped me out of that pathetic trance. I see that I do have a story, many stories to tell, I just have to pick up the phone sometimes and ask for help as Terry said.
    As silly as this may sound it seems as though most of you may understand when I say Thank you for saving my life. And no, not in the suicidal way. I have children that love me dearly and need me.

    Thank you guys, I love all of you.
    Okay, enough with the mushy crap, onward and upward.

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