Conflict

This is the perfect image of what I go through on a daily basis. I have two definitive sides and everything else is a derivative of that. Depending on what in particular I am battling with, I have quite the long process of making a decision.

I get excited about something and feel adequate for the job. I can’t wait to get started on my new found idea or project.

As the minutes go by, the nefarious side creeps out to play and wants to tell me what a terrible idea it is and that I couldn’t possibly accomplish that. This side especially likes to come out and fuck with me when I lay my head on the pillow.

When it comes to myself, I am relentlessly beat up over the most mundane bullshit until I am a listless, wet noodle on the floor sniveling like a baby. Then the insidious little bastard will sit and smile, so pleased with himself at his handy work.

When making a decision to do something productive or something I enjoy, the ruffians comes out onto the battlefield with their arsenal of weapons. Yes, I relish the adrenaline rush that comes along with mischief, but I also enjoy the feeling of doing the right thing, especially the long lasting effect it has on my self-esteem. But I struggle…

All of the self analysis can get quite tiresome and tedious. I then resort to writing out what I am grateful for so I can pull myself from the dregs of this wretched place and the benevolent side tells me how capable and brilliant I am. That I am loved and cared about…It’s all a bunch of pansy ass crap really, but this is what happens.

Overall, I’m pretty good at defeating the hooligans and their little antics. I have to allow them to chatter incessantly while I ignore their relentless trickery. I often find myself saying, “Thanks for the offer guys, sounds like fun, but I really have to get this done,” or “Yes, I’d like to tell him what a fuckin’ loser he is and that he’s a miserable little man, but then I’d be wrong too and I am NOT going to have to apologize to that fucker later,” or “Thanks for all your criticism but I think I’ll like myself today.” If I don’t play back, they try harder but it subsides eventually. After all, you can’t play without a playmate, right?

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4 thoughts on “Conflict

  1. I once had a dear friend named “Gary” who told me he used to spend his whole day in a sort of mental boxing ring, punching and punching and punching.

    And then one day, the mental camera pulled back — and he was all alone in the ring.

    I never forgot that.

  2. For me the demons come out especially hard this time of year. January and February are two of the worst months for me and a lot of people I know. I'm glad you're defeating those hooligans and hope they disappear when spring is sprung. Hang in there and laugh when you can. It helps.

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