I was born in 1973. This is when the madness began. I took ballet lessons starting at six years of age. Decided I didn’t want to do that after I don’t know how long. I was too much of a tomboy. I was full of energy and curiosity. I then took Tae-Kwon-Do for about a year. Decided that wasn’t feeding my creative side. I was an athlete involved in track, volleyball, basketball and cheerleading, yes, cheerleading; the captain no less. I also took guitar and tennis lessons. Finally after years of trying to get me to focus on one thing, my exhausted family gave up and the mantra of my life became, Just finish something.
Being an only child I found myself bored quite often and we moved every year to a place further than the last so it was impossible for me to make any long lasting friendships. But I was determined to have fun all the time. I guess this wasn’t as acceptable as I had hoped it would be. But I persevered.
This search has carried on for my entire life even to present day.
I had a child at eighteen and was single three weeks later. I had various jobs just to support myself and my son, to keep myself from drowning. At age twenty-three I had a daughter and got married. I thought this was the solution. I began a licensing class for esthetics. This was the first thing I ever completed. I went on to get a job in the field and wanted to further this career but of course life got in the way. I wasn’t making the money that we needed. So I decided to take a correspondence paralegal course while staying home with my kids but not before joining the Marines. I wanted an education and figured this was a good way to go. After being accepted and sworn in, I started to train with my Staff Sergeant to prepare for me for boot camp. I was scheduled to leave on my son’s birthday. He would wake up in the middle of the night scared because of terrible dreams he would have of me being in the military. I decided at that point it wasn’t such a good idea anymore. There had to be another way. I talked with the Gunnery Sergeant and my Staff Sergeant and they let me off the hook with a letter stating that I would be honorably discharged with an invite to come back any time I was ready.
It was pointless for me to work because all of the money I would have been making would have been going towards paying someone else to raise my children. This didn’t make sense to myself or my husband.
While I was home, I had a lot of fun because my kids and I would get creative and have fun most of the day. I always wanted my own business, so I would come up with a plethora of hair-brained schemes. But unfortunately not everyone (husband) was on board. So I would come up with something else and try to sell him on the next idea. It was always a no-go. I think he became tired of my shenanigans and I became bored. This wasn’t good for someone as adventurous as me. I eventually left and became a single mom once again. I started to work for a couple of criminal defense attorney’s and it was great for a while but my conscience started to wear on me. I couldn’t sleep at night knowing that these people “did it” and that because of all my effort and research they were either going to get off or get a light sentence. Some of these cases were murder and baby abandonment. I couldn’t do it. I then started to work part-time for some crap I didn’t feel mattered. That didn’t last long. I lost the house we were in and had to move back in with my now ex-husband. I was lost and hopeless. I stumbled across an opportunity to paint houses. I LOVED it. I was good at it. Then I joined the union and again had a bad situation come up. I was being stalked. It was bad. He would terrorize me and break into my home and mess with my car. Eventually, I couldn’t get to work consistently because my car usually had the break lines cut or a transmission line cut, or holes jammed through my radiator with a screw driver or lug nuts loosened on my tires. I had to go into hiding and my children stayed with my ex-husband. A great friend helped me out and I stayed with her through a lot of this. She opened a door for employment through a company that was a client of hers. I loved, loved, loved this job. It was a toy design firm and my job was to brainstorm new toy and game ideas and play with clients toys and games as they came in. I eventually was let go because the stalker would relentlessly harass my boss using different ways. Like calling and saying he was a newspaper reporter and wanted her comment on my recent arrest for whatever he decided to make up at the time. Of course none of things he would say were true but she got sick of the harassment. I was there for almost a year, not enough to get another job in that field without some sort of degree. So I went back to painting and started my own painting business and worked for friends who also painted and hung drywall. Through this endeavor I found the love of my life and we bought a house and I went back to school and became an EMT, worked on an ambulance and went to paramedic school. Again, decided this wasn’t for me. I didn’t agree with too many things that went on and the hours were not conducive to my personality. I asked my guy if I could stay home and build an at-home business writing, my first love. I really want to write books. I have always wanted to write but never thought it possible so I put it on the back burner all my life. Again, I took a correspondence course for copywriting, built a website and a blog and have sold a few articles. It has been two years now and this career choice was a lot more work than I suspected but I LOVE it. The problem now is, the lack of money is starting to wear on us financially. I don’t want to give up and as you can see my sorted job history doesn’t fare well with potential employers. I have had many more jobs than I have named here. I have discovered that I am NOT an office type of person or one who can go to the same place every day and do the same thing everyday unless I absolutely love it and believe in it. I am a problem solver and need to constantly be challenged or I get bored.
For so long I felt like I had no soul. I hated getting out of bed in the morning to go to work. After a while I just couldn’t do it anymore. I know there are people out there in the world that can have a job just to get a paycheck and pay the bills and persevere. I am not one of them. Like I said, I have to love and believe in what I am doing. I would rather live in my car than have a job that I hate. I know this may sound selfish and lazy, but if I have to explain, you wouldn’t understand anyway. So here lies my dilemma; I have certifications and licenses coming out of my ass. I have a couple of lifetimes worth of experience in dealing with people, learning new things, and coming through many challenging situations.
I wonder every day if I deserve the opportunity I have been given here and it holds me back. But I become hopeless more so now than ever because I am getting older and still feel I have made no real accomplishments. I have never been one to wait for something “to come along”. I just do. I pick something and do it. I am dreamer and a believer in the impossible. Yes, there were many phrases the adults would throw at me, “get you head out the clouds”, Get your feet on the ground”, “you can’t do that”, “You’ll never get anywhere living in your fantasy world”, blah, blah, blah. For so long I truly thought there was something wrong with me but this is who I am and I like it. This is who I am, this is my experience. There is nothing wrong with me. Yes, I am bossy and a bit of a control freak among other flaws, but there is always balance. I am as good as I am bad.
I just had to get it out there because I am sick of feeling ‘less than’ because I have no particular academic degree. Sure, people could look at this and think that I just need to make up my mind and stick with something but I wouldn’t give up anything I have done. I can look back and say I have learned something from every experience I have had in my life and had fun getting through most of it. Thanks to wonderful friends and laughter. Seeing the silver lining and the humorous side has kept me in good spirits and alive. But here I am coming to a place where I feel I am failing miserably and wonder what is left. I don’t want to give up. I know there is something out there for me. I know there is A LOT left. But the money or lack there of is becoming a problem. I read once that if you do what you love the money will come. My question is, How long do I have to wait?
I know this may severely lessen my chances of getting paid work, but I don’t want to have to lie about who I am because eventually my true colors will come through and it’s too much work to try and be someone else. Everyone else is already taken, so I might as well just be me. I believe that if I am honest, the right things will come and I will be free.
I hemmed and hawed about posting this and still don’t know if it should be up her. But it’s here for now.
How ‘bout that for narcissism?!