A little piece of truth about me

My entire life, I have wanted to believe that there was something out there looking out for me. Watching over me. Helping me along in all of my endeavors and adventures. I truly believed that if I wanted it bad enough it would come to me. What I have realized as I started this writing journey is that there is nothing…Nothing but me and my inner longings. There are two parts to me; my brain, which thinks of everything and more. It rationalizes everything for me. It tells me when things make sense or don’t make sense. Very logical. Unfortunately, I have never been very logical and I have always been in conflict with my brain. I never quite knew what it was, but I am seeing this as I search for something more.

Then there are my emotions, which usually always overrides my intellect. I’m consciously working on this.

I know that we all have our little insecurities and we are all connected on this level. We can all identify and relate to these fears. I don’t care who you are and how many social acceptabilities you have in your life.  Our insides can be in conflict with our outsides. This is usually the case with most.

Our brains all carry the same design to some degree of insecurity and think we are inept in one way or another. What separates us is how deep this goes. Our own personal beliefs about ourselves.

For many years I lived very selfishly. I had no idea this is what I was doing but nonetheless, it’s how I lived. One day I woke up and decided to make an active change. I didn’t know what it was going to be, but I knew change needed to take place to stop living the way I was.

My life has changed forever as a result. I have changed as a result. My life as I once knew is completely different. And once we know things, we can’t not know them, no matter how hard we try. This is when I discovered the true meaning of Ignorance is Bliss.

I have alot of information. We can get it from people, books, many different sources. But the real meaning for all of this information doesn’t truly take place until we have an experience and have to apply that information.

I had a friend once tell me, “You’re so right you become absolutely wrong.” I didn’t understand what she meant until I was in a situation where I was screaming my head off because someone wasn’t listening to me. And I was right. But in the process of me telling this person how right I was I became wrong because I was yelling and swearing. How often have I done that with my children?

Through all of this new learning, I realized how empty I was and that I wanted more. I didn’t know how hollow I was until I knew. It felt so good to have found a new way. It felt good to know that I didn’t have to live like I was living. It was such a relief. In this search I wanted to have a relationship with some sort of higher being. Growing up Lutheran, I was taught about God and all that mumbo jumbo. But it never sat right with me so I excused it from my life.

Over the last ten years my beliefs have changed drastically. I have been afraid to share this because I do fear judgment every now and then. But it is becoming harder and harder not to share because it is such a big part of my story and why I am who I am today. I tried everything as far as something bigger than me goes. I won’t bore you with the details of how I came to this, but it was a long, scary, fun, depressing, confusing ride.

I would wait for something to take over once I had done my part. The outcome is not up to me, right? All I can do is the right thing for me and all will work out exactly the way it’s supposed to. I lived this for many years without realizing that I may have had to put in extra work. I would do my thing and leave the rest up to, well…let’s say God, for lack of a better term right now. As I was trying many different things, none of them were working out for me. For a long time, I chalked it up to, well, I guess I’m not supposed to have it then. I was okay with that for a while, until one day I realized that I really wanted something and I was going to do whatever it took.

It’s not about something else working for me. It’s about doing everything I can if I want something bad enough. Never will I harm others in my endeavors to get what I want. I believe in honesty and integrity all the way.I can blame no one or nothing else for the contents of my life. I am responsible for what happens to me. That is such a relief for me. I am not a victim. Nothing can happen that I don’t allow to happen. I am the creator of my world; good or bad. (Sheewff).

I became angry through that process because I felt worthless and like I didn’t matter. Why am I doing all of this work and nothing seems to go my way? Now, I’m not big on self-pity. I will allow myself an ample amount of time to feel sorry for myself and then move on. If I find it keeps rearing it’s ugly head, I do something entirely different. That thought popped up repeatedly, so I decided to just go for what I wanted and keep going until I achieve results. Results that I want. 

Today, I do not believe in a God per se. I do believe in hard work, honesty, kindness and love. I do believe that if we want something bad enough we will seek out the route and do what is necessary to achieve our goals. I do believe that we are treated the way we treat others, most of the time. I do believe that we teach people how to treat us. I believe in centering ourselves however it is that each of us do that. Whatever works. I do believe that there is energy in this world that goes out and comes back. I believe in spirituality. I believe in people working together for a common goal. Love and Joy. I believe in encouraging and empowering people. Sharing what we have learned. There are some that will keep information because they fear that if they share it will take away from what they are getting, but the total opposite is true. When we withhold, we are withholding from ourselves. There is plenty to go around and the more we share the more there will be. It’s a paradox but it works. There is a motivation factor here that I have also learned through trial and error. If our motives are selfish, then we only get that back. Our intentions have to be true and selfless.

I do not believe that there is anything out there working for me or in my favor. Favoritism is a human characteristic. What I put into something is what I will get out of it. When the time has come that I no longer get anything positive out of the experience, it’s time to move on. 

This is the kind of stuff that I can go on and on and on about. But I usually don’t because I am afraid of boring some people. See, there I go again, caring about what others think. Although I may care about what others think, ultimately, I do what I want. It takes me some time but I get it out there eventually. I can do nothing before it’s time. I do my best to remain true to myself and sometimes this hurts others but that is not my intention. Here is what I have to say to those who take my actions so personally; GET OVER IT! It’s not about you!

Anyway, this is the revelation I decided to share today. I’m sorry if it is unclear. I tend to get lost in my ramblings sometimes, which is another reason I hold back. But I am changing that from this day forward.


6 thoughts on “A little piece of truth about me

  1. Hi Gina,

    I takes guts to share the inner workings of yourself. You're right, you can't worry about what others think. Life and spiritual discovery takes a lifetime of seeking, listening, throwing out and taking in – I'm pretty sure we never really arrive at any conclusion that makes complete sense to us, let alone to anyone else. Let yourself just be.


  2. “Although I may care what others think, ultimately, I do what I want.”

    For me that's the strongest sentence here and I agree totally. To me, the important thing is having a goal and a vision and seeing it through till you declare it's either over or done. I think your attitude is spot on for a writer.

  3. Wow. As I was reading this, I began to think of my own search for meaning, purpose, and “something out there.” Like you, I also did as much as I could to get what I want and let the rest happen the way it was meant to be. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I have also found that if my intentions are from a place of kindness and giving much more comes of whatever I'm trying to do. You are so right about that paradox: the more you give, the more you receive in return. I think it has to do with being “open” to whatever the universe, energy, or God has to offer. I call it all those things but I'm still not sure what “it” is. Maybe I'll never know. And that's okay too.

    Nice post!

  4. Marty,

    The over and done thing gets me every time I hear it because there are so many times that something is “over” but I'm not done. I can be relentless sometimes.

  5. Random Chick,

    It is okay to not know. Through the process that is my life, I have learned that I would rather not know because once the mystery is solved, I'm done and looking for trouble once again.

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